Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cashier just yelled at me to remove my chip card from the reader like I left a dog in a hot car.

   ACED my prostate exam!

   the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

   I'm turning into a geologist. Everyday I find a different rock bottom.

   No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

   If 2020 was a drink, I'm thinking it would be a Colonoscopy Prep.

   Gonna crash a tanker full of pink oil into a delicate coral reef for my next gender reveal party.

   Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

   Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

   Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

   I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

   I'm getting through the elections without a headache by using a wonderful Facebook feature you can find under settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

   My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

   Fill in a gap in your résumé with “Haunting a lighthouse.” They can’t check.

   There are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.

   Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

   I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

   Aliens probably ride past Earth and lock their doors.

   Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it