Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "16 and Applying to Colleges" -rejected MTV reality series

   If it's not suitable for facebook, it's perfect for twitter.

   They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.

   "Clean up in aisle 5" has a very different meaning in a porn shop.

   An Example of complete business failure due to professional Negligence is a PREGNANT Prostitute

   People are like cutlery. Women want to spoon and men want to fork.

   It's so hot outside that I almost called ex so I can be around someone shady.

   I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.

   Windows updates are the number one reason the economy’s suffering.

   If a man needs to be taught how to fish, then he is not a real man.

   I can take either Sugar, Sweet n Low, or Splenda in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.

   "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

   Picture Darth Vader singing "These are a Few of My Favorite Things" and you'll have some idea of the kind of thoughts that go through my head daily.

   I waited until today to buy my eclipse glasses when they are 50% off.

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   Anthony Weiner gets Hard time. Pun intended!

   This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interested in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.

   The Cleveland Indians gave it up faster than an ovulating woman just released from house arrest.

   Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.

   They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.