Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating

   The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread

   Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time

   *accidentally skips the bottom step of the stairs* Oh my God. This must be what a sky diver’s rush feels like.

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled as part of the package.

   People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids

   Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.

   Wife asked if I could pick up milk on the way home, so I flexed both arms to reassure her

   Husband asks to see my phone. ***Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.***

   How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

   I'd rather go camping with a stranger from Craigslist than go to your kids birthday party.

   I want my obituary to read: "She laid down the boogie and played that funky music till she died."

   Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

   "Let the bodies hit the floor" sounds like a sequel to "It's raining men"

   I am now at the point in my life where I’m excited about finding change on the ground.

   Do you think Gillette employees ever call in Schick to work?

   If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

   Trick Daddy and Trina are not Super Bowl material. They are barely toilet bowl material.

   A woman in Florida gave birth to a baby weighing in at 14.1 pounds. So I guess the question is: a baby what?