Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow, I've been on the No Sugar Diet for one day and have already lost ... my will to live.

   the "check engine" light came on. I checked & the car definitely has one. It makes loud noises & drips some stuff all over the place so I know it's there

   I think even the IRS are starting to feel sad about how long I've been single for.

   "You cannot play with me unless you blow me." -Balloon

   Does anyone know if you can declare Congress and the Senate as dependents when filing taxes?

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

   I'm not horrified by your views on this whole public restroom issue, I'm horrifed that you would actually use a public restroom.

   Me In 2016 Shaking An Magic 8 Ball: "Will I find love this year?" Magic 8 Ball says, "Hahaha get a cat." D'oh!!!

   Listen,, If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

   .... I'm always amazed at how drinking 2 beers translates into 5 gallons of piss ....

   Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

   Like my wise old Granny always said, 'You want breakfast in bed, you best be sleeping in the kitchen."

   So does this mean Jay-Z has 100 problems now?

   Fun Fact: You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren't able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!

   Got out of listening to the door-to-door salesman's pitch by telling him I'm the cleaning lady, which really isn't even a lie.

   It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Grant but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

   It's cute how Pepperidge Farms puts those paper cups between my cookies. lol,,, It doesn't even slow me down.

   Stop Facebooking about how your baby can sit up on his own. I can do that! I do it all the time!

   I have the same effect at nude beaches as sharks do at family beaches.