Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think interrogations of mass murderers, serial killers and terrorists should be broadcasted live on tv.

   If you surround yourself with people who are full of drama, don't b*tch if a sh*tstorm is always blowing through your life.

   Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

   If you want to remove wrinkles, pimples, face marks & the 7 signs of skin-aging, try 'Adobe Photoshop'!

   Sorry young dub-steppers. We used up all the best drugs and beats 15 years ago. Back to the drawing board, kids

   I just got friend requested from a guy I know is dead... what do you wanna bet he voted today too...

   I am so glad my cats don't have opposable thumbs. I can't begin to imagine what would be written on my face when I wake up in the morning.

   This misfiring soap dispenser reminds me of you!

   Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they're enjoying it…

   Well, tomorrows the day I get my job as a waiter again so I can slip fake engagement rings in every woman's drink just to watch the horror on all the guys faces.

   Happy Mushy Card Nasty Candy in a Heart Shaped Box Big Balloon That Barely Fits in Your Car And You Can't See to Back Up $75 Roses That Can be Bought Tomorrow for $20 but Must be Sent to "Prove" Your Love Stand In Line for Two Hours to Eat Day.

   Sequester Day 1. Sarasota, Florida. Lights still turn on, my shower had hot water, no rioting yet. I'm secure in my bunker. Rations inventoried. Locked & loaded...... God help us

   Knowing its International Women’s Day is the only thing I know about women.

   Tequila makes the world go around...I mean the room, it makes the room go around. :-/

   The first rule of Culture Club is, 1) Do you really want to hurt me?

   Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

   Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.

   Sometimes you have to remember that the common denominator in every failed relationship you ever had is you.

   Don't ask me how my night was coz I don't know. I was asleep.

   I just walked into my house and yelled "Nobody I'm Home"....I think I need a dog.