Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people showoff by posting pics of the expensive and fancy alcohol they are drinking when at the end of the day we all get drunk just the same?

   College is just a clever marketing ploy by Starbucks and Red Bull

   As long as Mario is around, Luigi will forever be in the Friend Zone with Princess.

   I always hate it when the toilet lid is down in public places because you have to wonder, was it good manners or is there something nasty lurking in there.......

   I'm gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".

   Beyonce is sending prayers to her hometown of Houston... I bet if Harvey was a BLM protester tearing things up she'd be sending bail money.

   I'm on my third round of candy that we are not eating before Halloween.

   Safety pins are for Babies.

   When terrorist parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique to feed their babies, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?

   I'm convinced. New York has the largest demographic of nit-wits of any city on the planet.

   Seven qualities I look for in a woman. 1. Beautiful. 2. Intelligent. 3. Gentle. 4. Thoughtful. 5. Innocent. 6. Trustworthy. 7. Sensible . Or in short B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

   If Trump and Hillary are stranded on a boat in the middle of the ocean, who survives? America. America survives.

   Hillary made a deal with Bernie to get his endorsement. Translation: Hillary bought Bernie a suit from his favorite clothing store -- Sears.

   ... The Iranians say it was Ransom, One of the Hostages says it was Ransom,... But the guy that went on TV 57 times and said "You can keep your Doctor" .... Says it was a coincidence.

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   The cool thing about democracy is that some people believe wrestling is real and they get to vote in the same elections as you do.

   I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom. Me: Take the car next time!

   wonders should we REALLY put labels on paint cans warning people that eating it could kill them? I mean, should we TRY to save anyone who would make a conscious decision to eat paint?

   I figured out why I don't go out drinking much anymore... result being tagged in embarrassing photos on Facebook!