Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom. Me: Take the car next time!

   Safety pins are for Babies.

   When terrorist parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique to feed their babies, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?

   I'm convinced. New York has the largest demographic of nit-wits of any city on the planet.

   I'm gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".

   Beyonce is sending prayers to her hometown of Houston... I bet if Harvey was a BLM protester tearing things up she'd be sending bail money.

   If Trump and Hillary are stranded on a boat in the middle of the ocean, who survives? America. America survives.

   Hillary made a deal with Bernie to get his endorsement. Translation: Hillary bought Bernie a suit from his favorite clothing store -- Sears.

   ... The Iranians say it was Ransom, One of the Hostages says it was Ransom,... But the guy that went on TV 57 times and said "You can keep your Doctor" .... Says it was a coincidence.

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   The cool thing about democracy is that some people believe wrestling is real and they get to vote in the same elections as you do.

   word is that Tigers sponsors are not going to drop him. Who would with the slogans "Just do it " and "Is it in you?"

   Damn you Hostess Snacks. For your hard to open wrapper prevents me from successfully obtaining the delicious content within

   needing help with his Margaritaville "Bar Raising". I still need a lost shaker of salt, Mexican cutie and a flip-flop repair kit. Thanks Guys. If I don't get this done I know it's my own damn fault...

   had a flying dream last night!  It was awesome, I felt just like a bird so I pooped on someone's car!

   You can cross my mind, run through it, play in it, bounce across it, dance in it. There is alot of room in there...

   currently experiencing technical difficulties. Giving a sh*t will resume at a later time. Thank you.

   wonders why people say "that sucks" for bad things; clearly they haven't had any experience that relates to the second word within quotes

   If you see me in ur dream...do tell me how to get out of there...;)

   thinks movies are ruining books since 1920.