Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feeling sad? Just picture Cee Lo Green climbing a rope.

   On the occasion of Women's Day...my wife decided to take a rest ...so I am the boss for today.....

   There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. ...It's the Picabo ICU.

   I'm pretty sure I'm "all that" it's the "bag of chips" that's in question

   facebook, where a bathroom shot of a duckface is considered 'hot'

   If I don't share all this stuff about me now... it's gonna be really awkward when I show up at your house.

   What's the point of having nice boobs if you're going to cover them up? Stop being so greedy and unbutton your shirt like I do.

   Look you asked me to be your child's Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   Relationships are a two way street navigated by women who are backseat drivers and men who refuse to use maps.

   Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Heck I'm just afraid of that word.

   That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate

   The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

   Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a Wedding Cake!!

   I'm so drunk I speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   A wise man once said nothing.

   Glittery eyeliner makes my daddy issues sparkle.

   Say NO to the Bathroom Duckface & Quacker Lips photo epidemic.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I would choose alive,,, because eating with dead people is just creepy.

   If a midget smokes weed, does he get medium?

   if I screw up things between us, then it probably means that I like you.