Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I like to walk into Whole Foods and yell "hey, that Subaru is being towed" just to see how fast it empties out the store...

   I makes me sad to think that drug dealers know better math than I do.

   I will not call what we have a relationship. I prefer the term "unholy alliance."

   The neighborhood bully fell off his skateboard in front of our house and kids have been ramping their bikes off him all day. I even took a turn.

   "baby.......baby......baby...baby..baby.babybabybabybabybabyBAAABBBBYYYYYY!!!!!!!" ~ "My wife...... when someone taps their brakes 2 miles in front of us.

   You don't actually pay a h00ker to sleep with you, you pay her to leave.

   The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.

   Feeling sad? Just picture Cee Lo Green climbing a rope.

   how awsome would it be to get in a fight exactly how it happened in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video!

   I have coughed so much this week I think I'm developing 6-pack abs.

   Putting a little bit of syrup into every square on the waffle is my Mona Lisa.

   I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores

   iPHONE(noun}: A device used for everything but calling people.

   Scientists are baffled... Snooki, the tallest of the Oompa Loompa's, is pregnant! They didn't think anything human could possibly live in her!

   On the occasion of Women's Day...my wife decided to take a rest ...so I am the boss for today.....

   There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. ...It's the Picabo ICU.

   I'm pretty sure I'm "all that" it's the "bag of chips" that's in question

   facebook, where a bathroom shot of a duckface is considered 'hot'

   If I don't share all this stuff about me now... it's gonna be really awkward when I show up at your house.

   What's the point of having nice boobs if you're going to cover them up? Stop being so greedy and unbutton your shirt like I do.