SEAN Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
←Rate | 04-13-2017 22:34 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬
←Rate | 04-04-2017 09:33 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..
←Rate | 04-03-2017 16:36 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."
←Rate | 03-02-2017 11:10 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....
←Rate | 02-13-2017 13:47 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......
←Rate | 02-10-2017 15:08 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
←Rate | 02-10-2017 15:08 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......
←Rate | 02-10-2017 13:41 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now Falcons fans feel like Hillary supporters felt like on election night
←Rate | 02-05-2017 22:35 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices
←Rate | 12-30-2016 13:00 by SEAN Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.
←Rate | 12-29-2016 17:00 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
←Rate | 12-29-2016 16:57 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...
←Rate | 11-02-2016 12:04 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon After discovering that Anthony Weiner got Hillary Clinton in trouble Bill Clinton breeze a sigh of relief because it's the first time his wiener hasn't gotten Hillary in trouble
←Rate | 10-29-2016 08:36 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Glad Kim K is ok, heard the whole thing was a mix up, the robbers car broke down and they thought she could hook them up with a Tranny
←Rate | 10-03-2016 12:58 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster
←Rate | 09-16-2016 15:31 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon My grandfather just told me hisjoints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
←Rate | 09-16-2016 11:00 by SEAN Comments (1)  

   messageicon fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...
←Rate | 09-16-2016 10:56 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".
←Rate | 09-16-2016 10:56 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
←Rate | 09-01-2016 08:56 by SEAN Comments (0)  

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