Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon When I'm grilling a stake, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.
←Rate | 01-19-2019 06:56 by Joker Comments (3)  

   messageicon Thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, then realized it said "THICK CUT"
←Rate | 01-18-2019 16:13 by Stevielea Comments (0)  

   messageicon OK. What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
←Rate | 01-18-2019 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I guess border wall funding wasn't a priority when we had a working gov't and a Rep Congress the last 2 years...
←Rate | 01-18-2019 10:52 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Here's an idea. How about if every person who doesn't want a wall will have to pay a fine? Sort of like Obamacare.
←Rate | 01-18-2019 09:45 Comments (4)  

   messageicon My new coffee mug now says "Don't even talk to me until I've had my paycheck".
←Rate | 01-17-2019 14:39 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
←Rate | 01-17-2019 12:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.
←Rate | 01-17-2019 12:20 by Kisstopher707 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I thought 23 & me was a doumentary about Michael Jordan spending time with an old lady.
←Rate | 01-17-2019 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I noticed that the killer crocodile had an 80s dude on his shirt pocket!
←Rate | 01-17-2019 10:04 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon A wheel works. A wall works. To bad you don't work.
←Rate | 01-16-2019 17:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.
←Rate | 01-16-2019 14:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.
←Rate | 01-16-2019 14:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe.
←Rate | 01-16-2019 14:14 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.
←Rate | 01-16-2019 12:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
←Rate | 01-16-2019 12:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”
←Rate | 01-16-2019 00:21 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The rich man glories in his greed; the humble man feeds hundreds and stays silent.
←Rate | 01-15-2019 14:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it.
←Rate | 01-15-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.
←Rate | 01-14-2019 17:23 by Joker Comments (0)  

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