Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once in my life, I'd actually like to see a liar's pants catch on fire.

   Whoever came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

   You older women who are impressed that 25 year olds are attracted to you... Newsflash: 25 year olds would sleep with a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup if they could get her legs open.

   The difference between jam and jelly is I can't jelly my dong in my wife's blow hole.

   If you identify as non-binary I want you to answer this question with a yes or no only: Do your parents know you're an imbecile?

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon… Might as well be asking for dragon tenderloin or Bigfoot steaks… jest sayin

   Always hated going to doctor’s even when I’m at my sickest .. not that I don’t trust them … I just don’t feel like paying em!

   After 40 years of marriage will gay guys call their spouse the old balls and chain?

   If we tell people the brain is an app, maybe they’ll start using it.

   Ever spent money so quickly that you felt like somebody stole it?

   I have to make it to heaven, I want to see Circuit City and Blockbuster again.

   The bad news is many earthquakes in California have caused severe property damage. The good news is on the days that they hit, bowling scores are at their highest ever!

   I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while I'm in the store.

   Well, it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now!

   So you unfollowed me on Facebook. You sure showed me.

   Women are caring, nurturing, beautiful, sympathetic and loyal. They're also big toddlers who have the demands of three year olds.

   Kissing someone while they are asleep is one of the purest displays of love...unless you're in prison.

   Today I asked SIRI to recommend an apple product I can afford. She replied Apple Juice.

   How did Jesus find guys named: Peter, John, James, Matthew, Andrew, Phillip, Thomas, and Simon in the Middle East?

   I still miss that part of 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me