Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Not having sex is really ruining my sex life.
←Rate | 05-22-2018 12:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon USA had 288 school shootings since 2009. In second place, we have France with 2. What are we doing wrong?
←Rate | 05-22-2018 11:36 Comments (5)  

   messageicon How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
←Rate | 05-22-2018 10:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"
←Rate | 05-22-2018 07:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.
←Rate | 05-22-2018 07:56 by @jasonlastname Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.
←Rate | 05-22-2018 07:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?
←Rate | 05-21-2018 23:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
←Rate | 05-21-2018 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Butt stuff? God no. I'm a proper lady, and only use my butt hole for smuggling drugs.
←Rate | 05-21-2018 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is the devil 😈 tryin to be my bff?…
←Rate | 05-21-2018 14:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your kid graduates high school you were smart and voted for Trump.
←Rate | 05-21-2018 09:04 by Degree101 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.
←Rate | 05-21-2018 07:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
←Rate | 05-21-2018 07:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me
←Rate | 05-20-2018 23:15 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 23:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 21:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 21:33 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 17:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:59 Comments (1)  

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