Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to look at who controls you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.

   Promises made, promises kept. But only for my rich frinends and not for the rest.

   Technically, you can pick your friend's nose. Probably only once, tho...

   Interviewer: how are you with excel Me: I hate it Interviewer: an experienced user then

   The neighbor is having an open home How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

   My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic.

   "FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn

   I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...

   Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

   There is a fine line between "I'm not doing anything except looking at Facebook" & " I'm not doing anything because I'm looking at Facebook"

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

   No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

   Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

   I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

   If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs. If I had some eggs.

   The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.

   It was a perfect call! To prove it, let's block all witnesses and ignore all subpoenas.

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   I think it's great that they're going to send a woman to the Moon which will be one small step for mankind one giant leap for women.