Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was

   Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

   I mean this in the nicest way possible: I couldn't give 2 sh*ts about Breonna Taylor.

   My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

   Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it

   I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

   If you aren't on the Grand Jury in Louisville then your opinion is $hit...

   I'd prefer to believe in Scientology rather than that stupid Q conspiracy.

   Athletes are nothing more than individuals who repress their h0m0sexuality.

   Sorry that Ruth Bader Ginsburg clocked out. But the bright spot is we get to see a white funeral for a change.

   I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

   Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

   How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?

   Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad

   The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.

   Has anyone started selling a Ginsberg zombie Halloween costume yet?

   Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

   i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

   My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

   ‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns