Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon my girlfriend thinks I am in capable of being faithful my wife on the other hand.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 12:27 by luka Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts
←Rate | 10-21-2018 11:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 11:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 11:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Did you just walk past my house, you piece of sheet?” - dogs
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon him: you’re not like other girls me, at the urinal next to him: how
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed dummycrat loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:33 Comments (0)  

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