Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel sorry for those poor athletes who thought they were visiting the White House, and instead wound up at White Castle. #hamberders

   Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”

   The rich man glories in his greed; the humble man feeds hundreds and stays silent.

   I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it.

   Would you trust eating the M&M's, Butter Fingers, Skittles, or Baby Ruth offered by him ?

   My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.

   Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.

   Eating clean means I just took a shower and I'm heading to McDonald's..

   now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.

   To MacKenzie Bezos: 'sup, girl?

   I don’t know whether Trump is a puppet, but his orange hair, five chins and tiny hands make him look like a muppet.

   The worlds greatest marionette is Putin. He has Trump as a puppet and I can’t even see the strings.

   Trump being re-elected is as likely as Ken and Barbie doing the wild thing.

   Got my ancestry DNA results back. It seems I related to Adam and Eve.

   Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.

   Ladies, your man can’t complain about your excessive shopping habit if he has your tit in his mouth.

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   "If you are under investigation by the FBI. you should not be president -Donald Trump 7/14/16

   Smiling Saudi girl, 18, arrives in Toronto after Canada offered her asylum! Oh dear, she'll soon be praying for the luxury of death back in Saudi Arabia!

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.