Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Tables are made so we don’t eat on the floor. Tablecloths were made so we don’t eat on the table. Place mats were made so we don’t eat off of the tablecloth. Plates were made so we don’t eat off the place mats.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon He died doing what he loved. He didn't know she was married.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 09:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they're eating chips on the couch.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 09:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 09:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't worry, men. Women can't tell women to calm down either.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 09:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
←Rate | 11-13-2019 08:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid? [after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 08:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore
←Rate | 11-13-2019 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 08:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains. Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
←Rate | 11-13-2019 08:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I accidentally bleached my hair too blonde and when my therapist saw it this morning she let out an audible “oh no”
←Rate | 11-13-2019 08:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kinda bull sheet that alcohol isn't considered a work expense, but ok
←Rate | 11-13-2019 08:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Disney has installed hand sanitizers to combat swine flu. And I was thinking, “Disney — if you’re really serious about not spreading swine flu, get that Donald Duck to start wearing pants.”
←Rate | 11-13-2019 06:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seriously, why didn't you care about the Clinton's taking money from their bogus Clinton Foundation? They were stealing hundreds of millions from their own charity, Mr. Hypocrite. Typical. And, why would a billionaire steal a paltry $2 mill? Fake News.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 16:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon : Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 16:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 14:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?
←Rate | 11-12-2019 10:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Social media invented the process of trash taking it self out.
←Rate | 11-12-2019 07:24 Comments (0)  

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