Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.
←Rate | 01-13-2021 13:09 by M740 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We need to stop looking at our country in terms of right and left, yet instead focus on right and wrong.
←Rate | 01-12-2021 19:11 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
←Rate | 01-12-2021 10:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The company that produced Depends Adult Diapers has told Trump he is no longer allowed to use their products. Poor incontinent fool.
←Rate | 01-11-2021 21:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bought a new Jacuzzi without consulting my wife first. Now I'm in hot water.
←Rate | 01-11-2021 15:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When they washed your brain did they press it after words?
←Rate | 01-11-2021 14:59 by MrSharp Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions. Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger?
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to put it in its place. So, I looked at it and said, Don’t forget that you’re only a towel, and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark -me as a tattoo artist
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
←Rate | 01-11-2021 08:01 Comments (0)  

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