Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 2 of 5845

   messageicon Sorry I can never be serous on facebook as it's just a website that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Like seriously.
←Rate | 03-16-2019 09:36 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?
←Rate | 03-16-2019 07:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"
←Rate | 03-16-2019 07:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of these self proclaimed “Instagram models” look like their birthstone is crystal meth
←Rate | 03-15-2019 18:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.
←Rate | 03-15-2019 08:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So...Laveon Bell turned down $70M from the Steelers, sat out a year w/o pay and signed with the Jets for $50M. No wonder those guys always go broke...
←Rate | 03-15-2019 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.
←Rate | 03-15-2019 07:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alcohol kills!....But on the bright side of that, if it wasn't for alcohol most of my friend's would have never been born.
←Rate | 03-15-2019 00:51 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon 420 - 0, what a great number.
←Rate | 03-14-2019 12:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today, I lied, lied about lying, changed my mind, lied about changing my mind, changed my mind about lying, blamed someone for something I did, lied about blaming someone, took a breath, and lied.
←Rate | 03-14-2019 12:08 by DJT Comments (0)  

   messageicon Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Brownie are square.
←Rate | 03-14-2019 11:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With facebook down I went back to doing those little things we sometimes overlook while it's up, like keeping the dishes from polling up in the sink, folding the laundry on top of the dryer, finishing reading those books I started reading and showering.
←Rate | 03-14-2019 10:28 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook's down and I am poised at conquering the world!
←Rate | 03-14-2019 10:25 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.
←Rate | 03-14-2019 09:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you...... And me...
←Rate | 03-14-2019 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kids are growing up and I guess that means I'm getting older...that's not what saddens me...what saddens me is that the kids no longer eat for free when we go out anymore.
←Rate | 03-13-2019 22:01 by CoolguyB Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mark Facebook needs to get his crap together!
←Rate | 03-13-2019 20:32 by DJT Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think some of my Facebook friends make completely irrational decisions in life that make no sense whatsoever, and we should hangout more.
←Rate | 03-13-2019 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I poured my heart out and it evaporated. FML
←Rate | 03-13-2019 08:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse.
←Rate | 03-13-2019 04:24 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left