Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was
←Rate | 09-25-2020 09:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 09:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I mean this in the nicest way possible: I couldn't give 2 sh*ts about Breonna Taylor.
←Rate | 09-25-2020 08:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
←Rate | 09-25-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it
←Rate | 09-25-2020 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
←Rate | 09-25-2020 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you aren't on the Grand Jury in Louisville then your opinion is $hit...
←Rate | 09-24-2020 12:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd prefer to believe in Scientology rather than that stupid Q conspiracy.
←Rate | 09-24-2020 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Athletes are nothing more than individuals who repress their h0m0sexuality.
←Rate | 09-24-2020 08:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry that Ruth Bader Ginsburg clocked out. But the bright spot is we get to see a white funeral for a change.
←Rate | 09-23-2020 17:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
←Rate | 09-23-2020 16:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
←Rate | 09-23-2020 16:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?
←Rate | 09-23-2020 04:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad
←Rate | 09-23-2020 04:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 21:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has anyone started selling a Ginsberg zombie Halloween costume yet?
←Rate | 09-22-2020 10:40 by rwconspirator Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:13 Comments (0)  

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