Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tables are made so we don’t eat on the floor. Tablecloths were made so we don’t eat on the table. Place mats were made so we don’t eat off of the tablecloth. Plates were made so we don’t eat off the place mats.

   Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

   I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

   He died doing what he loved. He didn't know she was married.

   "Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they're eating chips on the couch.

   It's hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

   Don't worry, men. Women can't tell women to calm down either.

   Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

   [watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid? [after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

   Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore

   Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

   Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains. Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

   I accidentally bleached my hair too blonde and when my therapist saw it this morning she let out an audible “oh no”

   Kinda bull sheet that alcohol isn't considered a work expense, but ok

   Disney has installed hand sanitizers to combat swine flu. And I was thinking, “Disney — if you’re really serious about not spreading swine flu, get that Donald Duck to start wearing pants.”

   Seriously, why didn't you care about the Clinton's taking money from their bogus Clinton Foundation? They were stealing hundreds of millions from their own charity, Mr. Hypocrite. Typical. And, why would a billionaire steal a paltry $2 mill? Fake News.

   : Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

   I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

   What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?

   Social media invented the process of trash taking it self out.