Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you want to look at who controls you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.
←Rate | 01-17-2020 11:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Promises made, promises kept. But only for my rich frinends and not for the rest.
←Rate | 01-17-2020 11:17 by IDTN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Technically, you can pick your friend's nose. Probably only once, tho...
←Rate | 01-17-2020 10:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Interviewer: how are you with excel Me: I hate it Interviewer: an experienced user then
←Rate | 01-17-2020 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The neighbor is having an open home How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
←Rate | 01-16-2020 15:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 15:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn
←Rate | 01-16-2020 14:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...
←Rate | 01-16-2020 14:09 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 13:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is a fine line between "I'm not doing anything except looking at Facebook" & " I'm not doing anything because I'm looking at Facebook"
←Rate | 01-16-2020 12:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 11:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 11:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 10:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 10:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs. If I had some eggs.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 09:52 by GT Comments (0)  

   messageicon The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 06:58 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 04:04 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon It was a perfect call! To prove it, let's block all witnesses and ignore all subpoenas.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 18:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 16:50 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think it's great that they're going to send a woman to the Moon which will be one small step for mankind one giant leap for women.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 14:59 Comments (0)  

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