tomcall Funny Status Messages

   Internet postings show that the Northwest Airlines terrorism suspect was depressed and lonely. Apparently the thought of arriving in Detroit just put him over the edge.

   It's been reported that an 8 year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it's been a pretty bad week for little Skippy bin Laden.

   Many advertisers are taking Tiger Woods' name out of their advertisements because the association is becoming too embarrassing. In a related story, New Jersey is thinking of removing their name from the Nets.

   In Taiwan, marine biologists have discovered a crab that they say looks just like a strawberry, and by "marine biologists," I mean two guys on mushrooms.

   There's a new product called "Texthook" that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, "OMG, I just crashed my baby into another baby!"

   Televangelist Pat Robertson said the earthquake in Haiti happened because they made a pact with the devil to get rid of the French in the Haitian Revolution. Pat, please. You don't need a pact with the devil to bead the French.

   BREAKING: The Washington Redskins, due to the embarrassing nature of their name, have decided to remove the "Washington" from it.

   James Cameron's new movie "Avatar" comes out next week. People say it will be as successful as "Titanic". Not the movie. The ship.

   Kobe Bryant played last night for the Lakers against despite flu like symptoms. Apparently neither team was worried about H1N1 - it's Kobe, he never passes anything.

   I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You'll never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize that you can still...get up there.

   You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

   A poll found that 55 percent of shoppers start their Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. The other 45 percent are men.

   According to a new poll, 26 percent of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74 percent blame the fact that they majored in English literature.

   A man in Washington D.C. was apprehended by the Secret Service for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, this is probably the last time Joe Biden ever takes Ambien.

   Scientists have invented a robotic girlfriend. The bad part is when, right in the middle of romantic activity, you have to call tech support. You have to spend thousands and thousands on maintenance and upkeep. It's just like having a real girlfriend.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg: Weren't you doing just fine without the irritating banner ads?

   After Al Gore gets divorced, his wife will receive 40 percent of his ego, his ignorance, and the Internet.

   Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.

   I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disgusted by the "tips for a tiny belly" ads.

   ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.