Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an App for that. It's called "respect".

   Never buy a car you can't push.

   I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you..

   Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.

   People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is!

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   No matter how old I get, I will always be overly excited when I receive a hand written letter in the mail.

   Shrek beat Sex and The City at the box office this past weekend. It was quite a showdown between two very unique movies. One is about a hideous creature and all of it's friends, and the other one is Shrek.

   Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

   Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?