Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

   Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

   Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

   Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   Remembers when the only fake news was the National Inquirer

   Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.