Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!

   Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

   You know how TV commercials for burgers places make the burger look much better in the picture than they do in real life? Yeah, that's FaceBook

   How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss ?

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes

   Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.