Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   Twitter files released. MSM: “What files? ~ Space Man Bad”

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   Anti-social behavior is a sign of intelligence in a world full of conformists.

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”

   Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.