Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

   As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

   I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin. On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

   [At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   I wish I lived in the 1950's, because I have a few songs I want to record about my postman.

   If I was a piece of candy, I'd be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I'll play mine.

   When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

   News update: Local teenager up at 8:00 am to wash car. Details at 11:00.

   What's it called when no one can dance but everyone dances? A good wedding reception

   Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

   Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true

   Tables are made so we don’t eat on the floor. Tablecloths were made so we don’t eat on the table. Place mats were made so we don’t eat off of the tablecloth. Plates were made so we don’t eat off the place mats.

   Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

   You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

   There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.

   I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

   That’s not my fanny pack. That’s my stomach.