Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.

   If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

   Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   “Just be yourself, say something nice.” Me: Which one? I can’t do both.

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.

   If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.