Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!

   When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."

   You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.