Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

   If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.

   In Florida we get "I'm still voting" stickers.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it’s descendant would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.

   So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?

   Celebrate Thanksgiving by giving people the bird.

   Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.

   Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.