Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

   hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

   Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   whoa they've gone way too far when they disarm Elmer Fudd

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.

   it me or do the birds and critters seem so much louder now - like their taunting us?

   If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?

   The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.

   Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...