Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   I ran into my ex the other day...hit reverse...and ran into her again.

   At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.

   So...Laveon Bell turned down $70M from the Steelers, sat out a year w/o pay and signed with the Jets for $50M. No wonder those guys always go broke...

   I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.