Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 12:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 10:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
←Rate | 10-31-2019 12:06 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin. On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
←Rate | 10-30-2019 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
←Rate | 10-25-2019 11:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I lived in the 1950's, because I have a few songs I want to record about my postman.
←Rate | 10-04-2019 15:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I was a piece of candy, I'd be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
←Rate | 10-30-2019 12:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I'll play mine.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon News update: Local teenager up at 8:00 am to wash car. Details at 11:00.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 08:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's it called when no one can dance but everyone dances? A good wedding reception
←Rate | 10-22-2019 12:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true
←Rate | 10-22-2019 11:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tables are made so we don’t eat on the floor. Tablecloths were made so we don’t eat on the table. Place mats were made so we don’t eat off of the tablecloth. Plates were made so we don’t eat off the place mats.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 08:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.
←Rate | 10-28-2019 11:23 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
←Rate | 11-13-2019 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That’s not my fanny pack. That’s my stomach.
←Rate | 10-30-2019 01:34 Comments (0)  

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