Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?

   The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

   You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

   Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.

   Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?

   I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.