Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...
←Rate | 06-05-2020 08:17 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.
←Rate | 12-31-2019 19:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
←Rate | 06-12-2018 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
←Rate | 09-08-2020 09:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.
←Rate | 12-04-2018 14:01 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
←Rate | 08-27-2019 04:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!
←Rate | 06-06-2020 20:20 by Corey Comments (0)  


   messageicon Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon May your coffee kick in before reality does.
←Rate | 09-30-2020 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
←Rate | 10-02-2020 13:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
←Rate | 10-28-2020 07:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.
←Rate | 07-19-2020 11:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
←Rate | 07-08-2020 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 12:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again
←Rate | 08-17-2020 16:33 by SlowMotionNinja Comments (1)  


   messageicon I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
←Rate | 09-17-2020 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 18:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
←Rate | 02-19-2020 09:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
←Rate | 08-11-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  




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