Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

   The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.

   You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.

   I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.

   After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"

   From the size of the crowd I would say wrong again .

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.

   Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.