Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!

   Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

   Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

   May your coffee kick in before reality does.

   My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

   Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.