Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.

   At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?

   I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   "Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.

   My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...