Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This funding crisis in Oklahoma education has got to be addressed! Some of the rural schools have taken to teaching driver’s education and sex education out of the same vehicle.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Haven’t been in a relationship in a while. I forget, am I supposed to start the argument or finish it?
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ll always be the one who got away.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 09:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 10 year old: Lands 14 platsic water bottle flips in a row, can't hit laundry basket with dirty socks.
←Rate | 05-16-2018 18:29 by Jsabbage Comments (0)  


   messageicon Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 01:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:28 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 17:55 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 14:26 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 10:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL
←Rate | 05-26-2018 16:43 Comments (1)  


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