Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   I’m not here to fit into your world, I’m here to build my own world.

   Coffee: More than four cups and you can talk to electricity.

   Nothing makes me feel older than when a restaurant makes me scan a QR code to look at their menu.

   Careful creampuff, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.

   The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.

   Never forget where you came from, because that’s probably where you left your phone.

   Foreign aid, taking money from poor people of a rich country and giving it to the rich people of a poor country.

   Pink Floyd warned us about the school system over 50 years ago, and everyone slept on it.

   In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.

   When you’re on your third “damn, that’s crazy” and they keep talking.

   Someone living in their grandmother’s basement used to be the butt of the joke. The rental market is so insane that now it’s like, dam, you’ve got a whole basement to yourself, that’s sexy.

   Might put the tree up and call it a year.

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.