Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   Tradition (n.) Peer pressure from dead people.

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   Facebook was removed for violating Facebook community standards.

   If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart.

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   That’s a horrible idea. What time?

   How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

   Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.

   Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

   My friend’s uncle was a hypochondriac. People like that make me sick.

   The CDC just announced that you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

   Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their little legs apart?

   If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.

   Sold my homing pigeon 142 times last year on eBay.

   October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.