Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.
←Rate | 08-14-2019 06:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...
←Rate | 06-05-2020 08:17 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
←Rate | 01-24-2019 08:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?
←Rate | 07-11-2018 08:13 Comments (1)  


   messageicon SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 07:55 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
←Rate | 08-07-2020 08:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.
←Rate | 03-04-2020 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run sex for free will cost a lot more.
←Rate | 06-10-2020 09:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying
←Rate | 10-12-2019 10:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
←Rate | 12-11-2019 13:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'll even remove your duct tape.
←Rate | 07-27-2018 12:18 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump 2024
←Rate | 02-28-2021 18:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
←Rate | 03-23-2018 12:03 Comments (1)  


   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  


   messageicon With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:45 Comments (2)  




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