Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels