Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For sale slightly used daily planner.

   From Our CEO To Our Valued Customers Please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

   Has anyone got a spare ‘medically induced coma’ I can borrow ?

   If gas goes under $1.00 ima put some in the freezer.

   When this is over.. What meeting will you need to attend first.. Weight watchers or AA ?

   The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.

   You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

   The Irony of the old saying, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6 foot pole".

   Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.

   All those unmatched socks are gonna finally be put to good use with the toilet paper shortage going on.

   Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...

   Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”

   When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick.

   I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

   Germans are going to be hit with large fines if they invade someone else's space! 80 years too late if you ask me?

   Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.