Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run sex for free will cost a lot more.

   We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'll even remove your duct tape.

   Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.

   in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

   Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.

   Trump 2024

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.