Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 2 of 5506

   messageicon You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
←Rate | 04-15-2015 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
←Rate | 01-19-2017 09:29 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.
←Rate | 11-30-2016 07:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. It was about the journey." -Buddhist GPS
←Rate | 01-10-2017 07:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
←Rate | 01-10-2017 13:12 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon ...... No people ... the change in governmental administrations is not a sane reason to descend into a real life "Hunger Games" in this country .... Believe it or not it has actually happened before!!
←Rate | 01-18-2017 22:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.
←Rate | 02-18-2015 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 13:21 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
←Rate | 03-26-2016 14:36 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Lexus commercials with the Christmas bow on the car never show the pissed off wife yelling "You're an idiot Tom! We can't afford this!"
←Rate | 12-13-2016 04:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.
←Rate | 12-19-2016 06:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
←Rate | 06-18-2012 22:16 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
←Rate | 12-16-2012 22:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saved a TON of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.
←Rate | 10-26-2012 23:53 by @topherjordan Comments (3)  

   messageicon Seriously, someone needs to invent snacks in bags that don't make noise when you open them late at night.
←Rate | 12-05-2010 13:33 by AJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who else still thinks they have super powers, but they just don't know how to activate them yet?
←Rate | 12-07-2011 21:17 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
←Rate | 12-30-2011 08:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!
←Rate | 03-06-2012 09:45 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 06:26 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.
←Rate | 01-24-2013 14:24 by Aaron Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left