Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The CDC just announced that you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

   Blood is red, ultraviolet lights are blue, I’ve seen enough murder shows, they will never find you.

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain

   What makes Elon guard his Musk? Courage

   Television is the monster in your home, and it’s called a program for a reason. It has been designed to psychologically change the ways that you view reality.

   All of the mosquitos in my yard just received the Moderna vaccine.

   I don't approve of poll-little-cow jokes, I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

   CDC just announced dudes can stop wearing skinny jeans.

   How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

   That’s a horrible idea. What time?

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.

   If it isn't broken, fix it until it is. 🛠

   “It will be celebrated with pomp and parade, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other.” ~ John Adams