Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.
←Rate | 06-14-2022 02:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Just be yourself, say something nice.” Me: Which one? I can’t do both.
←Rate | 06-20-2022 03:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The CDC now recommends wearing your mask as a blindfold while pumping gas.
←Rate | 06-14-2022 03:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.
←Rate | 06-21-2022 22:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.
←Rate | 06-15-2022 01:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 20:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.
←Rate | 06-16-2022 03:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:43 Comments (0)  

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