Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.
←Rate | 09-15-2020 15:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”
←Rate | 06-01-2020 12:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
←Rate | 08-24-2020 14:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...
←Rate | 06-18-2020 13:05 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
←Rate | 05-31-2020 09:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
←Rate | 06-19-2020 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.
←Rate | 08-31-2020 09:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.
←Rate | 08-24-2020 14:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
←Rate | 09-23-2020 16:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
←Rate | 03-06-2020 06:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remembers when the only fake news was the National Inquirer
←Rate | 07-22-2020 19:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed
←Rate | 04-05-2020 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
←Rate | 08-14-2017 20:55 Comments (1)  


   messageicon It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.
←Rate | 12-31-2019 19:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
←Rate | 09-08-2020 09:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.
←Rate | 12-04-2018 14:01 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  




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