Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .
←Rate | 03-21-2017 18:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
←Rate | 03-08-2017 07:50 by Mick Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.
←Rate | 03-10-2017 14:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
←Rate | 03-01-2017 11:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There should be a sign at every red light that reads "Selfie Center and Facebook check in area" .... you know, just to make it official.
←Rate | 02-08-2017 11:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
←Rate | 03-03-2017 07:07 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 04:35 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (1)  

   messageicon Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
←Rate | 01-31-2017 07:39 by Mikey c Comments (0)  

   messageicon A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
←Rate | 02-22-2017 07:38 by Anon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
←Rate | 03-02-2017 08:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he's not home?
←Rate | 03-06-2017 13:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
←Rate | 03-06-2017 13:28 by Mick Comments (0)  

   messageicon The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 13:18 by Mick Comments (0)  

   messageicon St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.
←Rate | 03-19-2017 16:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony
←Rate | 03-22-2017 15:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss
←Rate | 03-23-2017 15:51 by @1_Jack_Jacko Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
←Rate | 06-18-2012 22:16 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend sent me a “Get Better Soon” card. I’m not sick, just not very good at sex.
←Rate | 03-08-2017 10:53 by Ray Comments (8)  

   messageicon This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 05:12 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

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