Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
←Rate | 06-09-2018 10:57 Comments (2)  


   messageicon The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
←Rate | 03-23-2018 12:03 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 03:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"
←Rate | 03-25-2018 06:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
←Rate | 06-12-2018 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
←Rate | 06-14-2018 07:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
←Rate | 05-14-2018 15:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.
←Rate | 05-29-2018 14:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever
←Rate | 04-13-2018 05:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about
←Rate | 03-24-2018 09:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
←Rate | 04-08-2018 14:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.
←Rate | 05-11-2018 22:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person
←Rate | 06-05-2018 02:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
←Rate | 03-30-2018 14:50 Comments (1)  


   messageicon There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.
←Rate | 04-14-2018 12:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
←Rate | 06-02-2018 17:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.
←Rate | 06-12-2018 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before you fall in Love with a girl with sparkling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:50 Comments (0)  


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