Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.
←Rate | 12-03-2017 23:23 Comments (2)  

   messageicon This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house
←Rate | 01-01-2018 20:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.
←Rate | 02-11-2018 14:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 17:03 by Aerotim Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?
←Rate | 09-27-2017 07:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?
←Rate | 01-16-2018 10:35 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".
←Rate | 02-09-2018 12:48 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.
←Rate | 02-26-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....
←Rate | 03-08-2018 10:10 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams
←Rate | 03-10-2018 04:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too
←Rate | 03-13-2018 12:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
←Rate | 09-23-2017 23:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.
←Rate | 10-11-2017 14:58 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
←Rate | 09-27-2017 10:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years
←Rate | 10-12-2017 13:30 by CrackY Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:42 Comments (4)  

   messageicon When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:39 Comments (3)  

   messageicon For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
←Rate | 11-22-2017 02:45 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.
←Rate | 11-21-2017 12:06 by Mic Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.
←Rate | 10-31-2017 06:53 Comments (0)  

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