Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
←Rate | 04-22-2017 19:02 by snotty Comments (20)  

   messageicon Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
←Rate | 01-31-2017 07:39 by Mikey c Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
←Rate | 04-15-2017 02:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
←Rate | 03-03-2017 07:07 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?
←Rate | 03-30-2017 11:10 by Me E Comments (1)  

   messageicon I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor.
←Rate | 11-20-2016 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 15:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.
←Rate | 04-10-2017 13:27 by Mick Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 16:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??
←Rate | 03-14-2017 02:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.
←Rate | 03-18-2017 12:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
←Rate | 03-27-2017 11:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
←Rate | 07-03-2016 14:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
←Rate | 04-11-2017 17:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
←Rate | 04-06-2017 09:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.
←Rate | 04-08-2017 09:05 by Mo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.
←Rate | 03-22-2017 14:59 by Chuck Comments (4)  

   messageicon If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons
←Rate | 03-26-2017 19:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.
←Rate | 03-20-2017 16:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.
←Rate | 04-03-2017 00:13 by Zinc Comments (0)  

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