Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.
←Rate | 08-16-2017 07:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon : A cat never cries over spilled milk.
←Rate | 08-17-2017 03:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet
←Rate | 05-16-2017 09:51 by Dp Comments (1)  


   messageicon QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
←Rate | 07-06-2017 12:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
←Rate | 07-09-2017 10:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 22:42 Comments (1)  


   messageicon With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 08:45 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
←Rate | 04-24-2017 16:41 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 17:03 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.
←Rate | 07-21-2017 07:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 18:08 by Pj Comments (1)  


   messageicon I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.
←Rate | 06-22-2017 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've figured out how to solve the problem of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at veterans' funerals. We aim the 21-gun salute at them.
←Rate | 06-19-2017 06:44 Comments (1)  


   messageicon 5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
←Rate | 08-02-2017 07:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
←Rate | 05-22-2017 07:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 09:23 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
←Rate | 08-05-2017 13:01 by Sammy Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
←Rate | 06-06-2017 09:49 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.
←Rate | 06-21-2017 19:33 by the barber Comments (1)  



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