Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.
←Rate | 01-20-2020 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I’ve finally perfected the art of silent criticism, though you wouldn’t know it
←Rate | 01-21-2020 20:18 by Rickster Comments (0)  

   messageicon Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Once it’s on you, it’s there forever.
←Rate | 01-22-2020 08:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't have a job.
←Rate | 01-22-2020 10:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex," has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night...
←Rate | 01-22-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
←Rate | 01-22-2020 08:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A wise man once told me, "Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that"
←Rate | 01-22-2020 10:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it rude to start asking my mother-in-law for daily child care fees? Her child is a handful and I don't work for free.
←Rate | 01-22-2020 11:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone should thank me for not being a doctor.
←Rate | 01-22-2020 11:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 16:50 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...
←Rate | 10-11-2019 09:10 by Gabe Comments (1)  

   messageicon Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don't want to go in the first place.
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.
←Rate | 10-31-2019 19:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
←Rate | 11-24-2019 06:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What it all boils down to is evaporation.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 09:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:11 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:22 Comments (0)  

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