Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️
←Rate | 02-14-2017 15:37 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon User "Anonymous" you are the most annoying person on earth. If there is anything wrong or negative to say to anything you are the man! Get a life or at least a job…
←Rate | 02-17-2017 08:47 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 13:21 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
←Rate | 06-23-2016 12:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
←Rate | 01-31-2017 07:39 by Mikey c Comments (0)  

   messageicon President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
←Rate | 01-28-2017 21:04 by ianbuckeye Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who else still thinks they have super powers, but they just don't know how to activate them yet?
←Rate | 12-07-2011 21:17 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
←Rate | 04-05-2014 21:46 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
←Rate | 07-28-2016 11:34 by udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.
←Rate | 02-18-2015 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
←Rate | 03-24-2015 06:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.
←Rate | 01-18-2017 12:50 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald Trump's hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 06:26 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...
←Rate | 03-10-2016 09:19 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.
←Rate | 01-20-2016 05:59 by Nipper Comments (3)  

   messageicon The packers were in it right up until the end of the national anthem.
←Rate | 01-23-2017 09:20 by BBB Comments (1)  

   messageicon I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.
←Rate | 02-17-2013 13:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 21:47 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
←Rate | 05-06-2011 21:29 Comments (0)  

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