Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 10:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"
←Rate | 12-06-2019 08:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please respect my toddler’s need for comfort during this difficult time. Her bath is too wet.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 07:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your ever wondering if a tree is of the Dogwood variety you could tell by its bark.
←Rate | 11-30-2019 16:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life. Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Judging by the way I just reacted to not being able to find the TV remote, I’m not the type of person you’d want around in a crisis
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 13:14 by RichMcC Comments (0)  

   messageicon The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
←Rate | 10-20-2019 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don't care about taking off my shoes at the airport
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon idk who "go round" is but all the kids on the playground want to marry her
←Rate | 12-03-2019 21:21 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Funny how when I was a kid we use to call Facebook group therapy.
←Rate | 11-17-2019 14:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever notice the scariest women are the one's who flood their pages with pics of Marilyn Monroe?
←Rate | 12-03-2019 06:13 by BobBogin Comments (0)  

   messageicon Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour's BBQ.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:06 Comments (0)  

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