Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
←Rate | 10-09-2019 15:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife left me with my 6 year old and my 3 year old... and as if that's not bad enough, she left the 6 year old in charge.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?" -How I pick my Halloween costume
←Rate | 10-16-2019 15:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don't say I don't know tragedy.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 15:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
←Rate | 10-13-2019 17:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I lived in the 1950's, because I have a few songs I want to record about my postman.
←Rate | 10-04-2019 15:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon News update: Local teenager up at 8:00 am to wash car. Details at 11:00.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 08:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 15:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 08:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 11:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won't be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I think this ice cream is spoiled." *me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today's assignment: pay it backwards. Tell the person in front of you that they're paying for your sh*t.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks to yesterday's chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 08:54 Comments (0)  

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