Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.
←Rate | 06-21-2017 07:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.
←Rate | 05-23-2017 21:40 by Pj Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
←Rate | 04-24-2017 16:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:30 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Interviewer: You ever do time? Me: I've mixed basil with weed, even freebased oregano, but I've never done thyme. Interviewer: I meant in jail, but I think we're done here.
←Rate | 05-24-2017 15:07 by Pj Comments (0)  


   messageicon To all the "Type 'Yes' and share if you agree" posters: Shaddup.
←Rate | 06-23-2017 21:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
←Rate | 06-24-2017 09:42 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.
←Rate | 05-30-2017 12:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
←Rate | 03-03-2017 07:07 by thejoke.cafe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.
←Rate | 05-08-2017 22:51 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
←Rate | 06-06-2017 09:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.
←Rate | 05-13-2017 08:50 by Barkley Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.
←Rate | 05-29-2017 08:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
←Rate | 01-11-2017 22:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've figured out how to solve the problem of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at veterans' funerals. We aim the 21-gun salute at them.
←Rate | 06-19-2017 06:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
←Rate | 04-06-2017 09:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slay dragons and rescue her from castle towers. Not wash dishes and clean out the basement.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 12:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.
←Rate | 05-15-2017 09:18 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies, it's not a birth month or even a birth week. It's a birthday. You get to celebrate one f'n day, ok?
←Rate | 06-04-2017 09:38 Comments (0)  



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