Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bieber's arrest doesn't give him street cred, it actually just raises the street cred bar a little higher...

   Day 88: I am thankful for my joke site. Without it I wouldn't be nearly as amusing on Facebook.

   Don't want to say I had a crazy year but Rob Zombie is asking for the rights to direct my Facebook movie.

   My ex girlfriend's facebook movie is already in the buy one get one free bin at the adult movie store.

   There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don't know.

   X Tonight marks the 86th Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars

   Don't fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.

   You look like the type of person that takes a Facebook quiz to find out what Flower or Celebrity you are.

   My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.

   Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.

   some people are like push-up bras....they make a mountain out of a mole hill

   I just spent 40 bucks on five organic pears at the farmer's market if anyone needs any investment advice or anything

   "Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride."

   Facebook, Twitter and Instagram doesn't ruin relationships. You choose who you reply to and how you reply back to them

   how many Grammys has Kanye given to a deserving musician? The Answer: 0

   If I had the cure for ebola, gamestop would buy it from me for $4.50..

   One of these days, I'm going to tell my girlfriend we're in a relationship.

   I've wanted to run away from home WAY more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.

   I've stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

   Dam it I have to break up with her in person? Isn't there an easier way?" -Alexander Graham Bell, probably.