Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   X Tonight marks the 86th Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars

   Don't fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.

   You look like the type of person that takes a Facebook quiz to find out what Flower or Celebrity you are.

   My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.

   Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.

   some people are like push-up bras....they make a mountain out of a mole hill

   I just spent 40 bucks on five organic pears at the farmer's market if anyone needs any investment advice or anything

   "Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride."

   Facebook, Twitter and Instagram doesn't ruin relationships. You choose who you reply to and how you reply back to them

   how many Grammys has Kanye given to a deserving musician? The Answer: 0

   If I had the cure for ebola, gamestop would buy it from me for $4.50..

   One of these days, I'm going to tell my girlfriend we're in a relationship.

   I've wanted to run away from home WAY more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.

   I've stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

   Dam it I have to break up with her in person? Isn't there an easier way?" -Alexander Graham Bell, probably.

   Apparently my nipples approve of the cool weather...

   Not everyone is with the person they wanted. Some are just with the only person that would have them.

   I was getting ready for a costume party, and tried leaving the house in my boxers holding a bottle of wine, my gf asked me what are you doing, I said I am going as Charlie Sheen..

   thinks some people wake up and eat a massive bowl of stupid for breakfast everyday!

   Sorry, I can't follow you on twitter...I'm a leader!