Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife treats me like a god... She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

   Dear Captain Crunch. Your little squares are tasty little morsals of joy and happiness. But eating a pile of gravel from my yard would be less painfull. Please work on that.

   keep having a recurring dream. It's like the Family Guy giant chicken fight, but its Romney and big bird

   ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

   If you're still here on December 22nd, you'll know I have successfully saved the world. In appreciation, I will accept money, exotic cars, and property as a form of payment. Now, if you'll excuse me....I have a job to do.

   Only a real genius could say these four words fast without getting tongue tied: eye, yam, stew, peed

   My grandfather was one-half Cherokee. When he danced it got partly cloudy.

   "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston S. Churchill (R.I.H Chavez)

   France FINALLY won a war! Too bad it was against Lance Armstrong.

   Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

   Instead of "lol" try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud

   Casey's fate was decided by 12 peers too stupid to get out of jury duty

   if it wasnt for the gutter, my mind would be homeless...

   •Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   Today, it took 473 licks to get to the center of my Tootsie Pop. You're welcome, World.

   Closest thing I ever got to a hug growing up, was the scientist picking up the test tube!

   I've invented a new game called Silent Tennis. It's like regular tennis but without the racquet.

   Guy: I have a girlfriend. Girl: I have 2 goldfish. Guy: Wtf??? Girl: Oh, I thought we were talking about things that didn't matter

   For tomorrows bra forecast, its looking mostly black with a splash of peach moving in for the afternoon. Tomorrow night, it's all leopard skin, with lows in the matching thong.

   How is getting a bj from a 75-year lady like bungee jumping? Whatever you do,don't look down!