Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My grandfather was one-half Cherokee. When he danced it got partly cloudy.

   "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston S. Churchill (R.I.H Chavez)

   France FINALLY won a war! Too bad it was against Lance Armstrong.

   Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

   Instead of "lol" try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud

   Casey's fate was decided by 12 peers too stupid to get out of jury duty

   if it wasnt for the gutter, my mind would be homeless...

   •Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   Today, it took 473 licks to get to the center of my Tootsie Pop. You're welcome, World.

   Closest thing I ever got to a hug growing up, was the scientist picking up the test tube!

   I've invented a new game called Silent Tennis. It's like regular tennis but without the racquet.

   thinks people need to quit confusing Facebook with a clothes line. It is not a place to air your dirty laundry.

   Guy: I have a girlfriend. Girl: I have 2 goldfish. Guy: Wtf??? Girl: Oh, I thought we were talking about things that didn't matter

   For tomorrows bra forecast, its looking mostly black with a splash of peach moving in for the afternoon. Tomorrow night, it's all leopard skin, with lows in the matching thong.

   How is getting a bj from a 75-year lady like bungee jumping? Whatever you do,don't look down!

   Shut up homework. I'm trying to do my facebook

   Rosa Parks never called "shotgun"

   For some of you that habitually change your relationship statuses, Facebook should offer an "is being played by _________" option.

   I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... in Morse code. I'm pretty sure that is what he was hammering. Another neighbor smiled and waved to me in a ploy to throw me off about the hammer signals

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store.