Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear 2011 don't believe everything 2010 told you, it was just jealous cause I wasn't very interested in it..

   ...just heard that the Jackson family has asked, In honor of the 1-year anniversary of the death of Michael Jackson, that all child actors wear their pants at "half-staff" today...

   Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Redbox!

   Apparently, Kim Jong-un wants to meet Seal Team Six....

   What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

   BREAKING: Long suspected love affair between Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble confirmed today, admit to having "gay old time"

   If smoking weed destroys your short term memory, then what does smoking weed do?

   Who is the idiot that called it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?

   Golden words by a wise man:"If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..."

   People who bring up your past are threatened by your present and the undeniable fact that your future looks brighter than theirs.

   How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

   its horrible when you get harshly woken up...by your own fart

   Wanna hear a clean joke? Johnny was taking a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.

   Need to call in a hot female carpenter to fix this morning wood.

   Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.

   The worlds economy is in a terrible state, the Ice caps are melting, the Rain Forest is being destroyed and now apparently Justin Bieber has reproduced. Can things get any worse?

   Morning texts are for people you love, Midnight texts are for people you wanna f*ck

   When Tim Tebow heard about Peyton Manning coming to Denver he threw a fit. Unfortunately He missed his intended target by ten yards.

   Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds. Luckily I wrote this in sex.

   Going to a strip club in the middle of the day can be so depressing. Especially if you catch the end of your mom's shift.