Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is

   *breaks a sweat* Sweatshop Owner: You’re gonna have to pay for that

   Just BUY the klondike bar. What's the big deal?

   Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?

   When Jimmy Garoppolo said he watches a lot of film, I thought it was talking about football

   Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"

   Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer

   "Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."

   Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.

   If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie

   There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

   . A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.

   Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   Listening to the news right now .... I'm trying to figure out which ones are the "Real" and which are the "Fake" News Channels. Some are portraying Fidel Castro as a Champion of the People. Is that considered as Real or Fake News?

   This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!

   Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.