Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

   “I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

   I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.

   Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.

   Everyone who blamed Trump for everything, are suddenly not blaming Biden for anything.

   I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.

   So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.

   I hate when I'm laughing & my ass falls off.

   President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"

   "I had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow... barefoot" was good in it's day. But imagine the sheer terror on your kid's face when you drop "When I was born there was no internet".

   relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.

   I love a Thanksgiving turkey... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

   When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.