Funny Status Messages

   Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.

   Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse

   There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".

   To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   Listening to the news right now .... I'm trying to figure out which ones are the "Real" and which are the "Fake" News Channels. Some are portraying Fidel Castro as a Champion of the People. Is that considered as Real or Fake News?

   This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!!

   Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

   Lady stabbed a guy singing Christmas Songs at the Mall. I bailed her out.

   Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

   It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

   My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.

   My math teacher called me average. How mean!

   Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

   [frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must... fit in.. with... other ghosts

   I felt a little guilty about not eating any vegetables today then I remembered I ate some Ruffles earlier so I'm good now.