Funny Status Messages

   I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.

   There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.

   Even to this day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.

   I no longer question authority; I annoy authority. More fun, less effort.

   45 minutes ago I took a bite of celery. I'm still chewing.

   Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.

   EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!

   Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.

   Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....

   911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse

   There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".

   To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.

   Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot