Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember, every girl you meet online is actually a guy in real life, and every kid is an undercover FBI agent.

   Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?

   I use really strong sunblock. It's SPF 100. I squeeze the tube and a sweater comes out.

   When I was a kid games taught us a valuable lesson. Like "slapping a hippo on the @ss will make him eat". That's important sh*t!

   will go slighty out of her way to step on a crunchy-looking leaf

   ATTENTION: Those of you who are posting pictures on fb that are sideways, there are 2 arrows on the bottom right hand side of the photo. I don't care which one you pick just pick one & Keep clicking it until it's right side up...my neck is starting to h

   Why when your car breaks down and you push it to the side of the road, does someone ask "is your car broke down?" "NO, I decided to take it for a walk."

   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   got pulled over and was told by the officer to walk the white line; I told "not without a net"

   If you're OCD and you know it wash your hands....

   just sharpening a pencil to make a point.

   I need to be a greeter at Walmart so I can direct people appropriately. "Nair for your lady mustache aisle 4...Deodorant for that stench aisle 5..." etc.

   Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

   Don't judge me. If you're reading this, then you aren't working either.

   if at first you don't succeed, call it version 1

   I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

   "Today was a good day. I didn't have to slap anybody."

   Orwell called them Thought Police. Zuckerberg calls them Fact Checkers.

   Why are people so upset about Kellyanne Conway on her knees in the Oval Office. This just happens to be the first time this event has been captured on film

   it took bruce willis 130 minutes to realize he was a ghost and you expect men to notice a haircut.