Snotty Funny Status Messages

   On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.

   Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.

   I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

   BREAKING NEWS: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags...People who love picking up dog crap with their bare hands rejoice.

   That's right,, Doctor Smug, I DO drink eight glasses of water a day.... I just filter them through coffee grinds first.

   I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.

   Why don't they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

   But seriously guys, ,,,, almost every time I've had cake I've eaten it, too.....................so

   My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and actually, out popped a blanket.

   There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those that recognize how diverse people are, and those that think there are only 2 kinds of people

   Never rob a bank with a vegan... They will tell everyone.

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbor's 3 year old, through the mail slot.

   not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

   I never thought Charles Manson would be having a better week than Bill Cosby.

   On a dark desert highway,,, cool whip in my hair...

   NEWS FLASH: Scientists still baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies, own guns, and play video games,,, but not shoot each other.

   One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... Four to speak to a customer service representitive... Press * to hear these options again.

   I'm sad I'll never get to see the joy and confusion on some archeologist's face when, in a few thousand years, he tries to explain the "Shake Weight" ..

   If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I've been hacked.