Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.

   My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.

   Bandaids come in two varieties. The kind that won't stay on and the kind that won't come off.

   Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.

   I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.

   When the kids wander around the house I can just see them thinking, "what can I f*ck up?"

   Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

   Guys, for Valentine's Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say "Will", "you", and "me." That'll keep her busy while you watch sports.

   Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"

   Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"

   I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.

   Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2

   Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.

   What if they read a list of everything you've ever typed into Google before entering Heaven...

   Lawsuit claims Taco Bell tacos only 35% real beef. I think I speak for all of us when I say wow that much?

   Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?

   I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.