Funny Status Messages
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Your quarantine name is your first name followed by your last name. 
Arguing on social media never changes anyones minds. Change my mind
Those three magical words: “Where’s the plunger?”
Her: Men just want one thing and its disgusting. me- Then you need to wash it!
Do bone spurs keep someone out of jail? I'm asking for a friend.
I called the cops on my own Super Bowl party so everyone would leave.
When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical. When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.
The main difference between a nudist and a streaker is speed.
Serena Williams said she'd rather lose than cheat while her coach admitted to cheating....
I ate a kid's meal at McDonalds this morning . His mom was furious.
I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Feminism is like the Netherlands: it owes its existence to a network of dykes fighting the forces of nature.
See what happens when you name a hurricane after a man! He won't ask directions, wanders around lost, leaves a mess and doesn't clean up after himself!
In a gay casino, a queen beats a straight every time.
Jay Z wore are Colin K jersey on SNL last night. Couldn't spell Kaepernick
still misses someone. But his aim is improving!
Russia declared Wednesday a National Day of Conception to stimulate the birth rate. Any couple who gives birth nine months form now will win money and prizes. This is what countries without a Mexican border have to do to increase their population.
If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place.
Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist. 