Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so poor that the alarm system in my house is a sheet of bubble wrap on the floor.

   buying an oompa loompa on E-bay

   I'm going to name my dog Curiosity and see what my cat loving friends think about that.

   Why is it a relationship often turns into a relationsh*t?

   You know you have a Facebook addiction if seeing the movie "The social network" is your Friday night fun!!

   If I ever go blind, I'm going to set up my entire house with strobe lights. That will really freak out my neighbors.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

   if meat is murder, I will have my murder medium rare done please...

   probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   thinks that the reason I find FB so appealing is because it reassures me that I am not the only one that is not normal.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice...

   Heavy, stationary objects keep running into my bare feet...How many times do I have to stub my toes before these things learn to get out of my way?

   I have had it with Jimmy Crackcorn and his blatant apathy!

   I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.

   They say sex cures everything, but this broken foot isn't getting any better.

   It seems like every time Donald Sterling opens his mouth it is just to change feet.

   I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.

   Either I need to up my dosage or my income.

   oh the good ole days when music videos were the same length as the actual song

   I shot out of bed last night with the awful realization that Charlie Tuna was a tunafish that loved the idea of people eating tunafish