Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space

   That feel good feeling when someone walks into your life and you know there going to make an impact on your life :)

   Dear anchormen: We all have the Internet now. Why do you even exist still?

   If she asks you to be in an open relationship, tell her to walk out that open door. She's a slut.

   depending on which clock I look at in my house, i'm either really early, or really late...

   If you can read this please let me know because, it means I blocked the wrong person. I'm still getting used to this Stupid timeline!

   There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.

   The 2012 Alzheimer's Easter Egg Hunt has been cancelled....... The 2011 hunt is still going on....

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day so I'd like to give you this pamphlet. I'll just wait outside your house.

   Just had a Popsicle and the riddle was: "Q: What's purple and cold and filled with the spit of underpaid Popsicle writers?"

   They should make vodka lip gloss....

   Jerry Sandusky will go from this (__*__) to this (__0__) very very soon!

   "Hey Let's agree to disagree, and then accomplish nothing as we focus on our reelections." -Congress

   Theres nothing quite as annoying as drunk fat girls.

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me.

   A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...

   I don't think golfers are real atheletes. None of them have sleeve tats...

   Paula Deen's signature dish: "Butter Sauteed in Butter Topped with a Buttery Melted Butter Glaze with a side of Butter Sticks dipped in Butter."

   My girlfriend is so silly. I'm looking at her phone and she's been sending all these sweet love messages and sexts to the wrong number as I never got any of them.

   I'm too sober for this sh*t