Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BP says their latest cleanup technique is called a "Dirty Sanchez." I don't want details.

   The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, "The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube."

   noticed that piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook

   Every morning around this time I start to wonder if I'm the maury type

   On the right side of my facebook it says people you may know. Everytime I click it there are bartenders and Hooters girls on the top of the list... Am I doing something wrong?

   You feel safer when you're wearing clothes, even though they don't actually offer very much protection.

   If I seduce it, really get it going, then leave it alone for ten minutes,maybe this paper will finish itself.

   In short, you have all the social prospects of a garden gnome.

   after all is said and done, a lot more will have been said than done.

   The things I do to impress people probably impresses me the most

   AT&T makes it very easy to play hard to get.

   Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.

   Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools and idiots are on the same side.

   I'll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying. :)

   I've always had an over active imagination. Like one time I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of tango, it took me a while to work out it was just a fanta sea.

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we're going to have to let you go."

   I haven't been ignoring you. I've been prioritizing you.

   I found my girlfriend dead the other day. She just laid there lifeless so I decided to boink her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted 'BOO!' I swear some people are just sick in the head!

   When Arnold and Maria were married many wondered if he could convert her into being a Republican. Well we have the answer now, She converted him into a Kennedy.

   Sometimes I keep my car windows down just to allow other drivers the opportunity to see such a handsome man.