Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

   I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

   Wanna know why there's power outages in Texas, Carol F-ing Baskin

   Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

   I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

   On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

   [first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

   Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.

   Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.

   DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

   Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly

   The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.

   If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.

   If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open

   The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.

   Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza

   I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.

   And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.