Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

   I don't know about you, I could have done without Adam's wardrobe malfunction...

   The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

   Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?

   Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald’s fries

   All of a sudden my news feed looks like a nursing home

   OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

   Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

   Oh baby, I can't wait to get you alone and see what you look like without a mask

   came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

   My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

   My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

   sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

   I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

   All the leaves on my yard look like all the lotto tickets I bought in my life.

   Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?

   I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

   I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.