Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are there Middle of Nowhere souvenirs? Because I've been there quite a few times but have nothing to show for it.

   Life is full of secrets and lies, so when you get screwed over, don't act surprised.

   No, I don't want to "Like" your business on Facebook. I barely "Like" you.

   I'm not naughty! I'm just mischievously creative!

   Don't you just love how all the Casino billboards get you excited to spend your money then at the bottom of them all they give you the gambler's addiction #... Thats like me putting up a Billboard for a Heroin Party n giving you the # to the cops...

   Kindness is just love with its workboots on.

   poking Osama bin laden to update his location on Facebook.

   There wouldn't be so many warning labels if we didn't have so many stupid people in the world.

   The only thing I hate about having a phone is when people call.

   True Fact: Economic analysts find that the unemployment rate remains at a standstill due to Ryan Seacrest's many job acquisitions within the past several years

   did you stop to think and forget to start again?

   The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying ba$stards.

   we all have different capacities, what's lacking for you may be too much for me already.. so don't push it.

   Tony is telling everybody to remember that there are two words that will open a lot of doors for you " Push and Pull"

   sometimes a majority simply means that most of the fools are on the same side.

   Does the State Hospital have weekend package deals? cause I need a vacation!

   Do you think the Man in the Yellow Hat mentions George on his Internet dating profile?"

   No, really, I can't afford to be hungover tomorrow. I mean, unless you're buying, of course.

   If its good, it's wonderful, if it's bad, it's experience...no regrets.

   I think I smoked less before I quit smoking.