Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You havent truly hated me until you've heard me eat a bag of chips while you're trying to watch a movie.

   Eat a whole pizza and people say, whoa you were hungry! Eat a whole cake and people say, dude you've got a problem!

   it's funny how the people that say "I Can't stand Drama" usually cause the most of it. but the people who say "im used to it" cause none.

   The 7 deadly sins? Um... male camel toe, spamming, paying by check, using ALL CAPS, bogarting, leaving the seat up

   I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

   do tree huggers buy toilet paper?

   Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.

   Hey, Remember that time I told you I thought you were cool? I LIED.

   yes I am crazy...whats your excuse? :)

   not a fan of becoming overweight and bald, but is even less of a fan of doing something about it.

   Someone stole my identity...its okay though, they gave it back when my kids called him daddy

   biggest reality of life - DEATH

   In life, success is determined by the amount of sh!t you can take

   high on life... dont worry. its just cereal. and its still legal :)

   says Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups..,,.!! :P

   Men may be pigs.. Men may be Dogs.. But after all its women that get married to them.

   performed Plastic Surgery today: I was cutting up all your credit cards.

   I'll bet the watch I left at home feels naked without me.

   wondering, Just how do I get in contact with Paul the octopus during football season?

   what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Try telling that to a heart attack victim.