Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.

   Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.

   jimmy is short for james? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. do they even know what short means?

   My Saturday was going pretty well until I realised it was Monday.

   Here's a little fact to brighten up your Sunday. Warren Buffet made $37 million in 2013. Per day...

   If it wasn't for me, my life would be pretty awesome.

   Where do adults named Alice come from? I’ve never met a kid named Alice.

   Got an anxiety attack when I first heard DC was shutting down. Then I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it wasn’t the comic books.

   I'm not saying my ex wasn't pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.

   The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.

   Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones who need it?

   Evidence from Social Media Usage shows that the number of idiots on earth is going to surpass the number of normal people by the year 2015.

   "I'll show you how moist I am if you eat me" ~ Brownies

   My local Taco Bell put in super bright parking lot lights so when people buy drugs they know they aren't getting shorted.

   Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it means to sit down and listen

   "Ummmmm...... " ~ The first cow ever milked

   Hey??!! Somebody get ready to wake that guy from Green day up!!!

   You havent truly hated me until you've heard me eat a bag of chips while you're trying to watch a movie.

   Eat a whole pizza and people say, whoa you were hungry! Eat a whole cake and people say, dude you've got a problem!

   it's funny how the people that say "I Can't stand Drama" usually cause the most of it. but the people who say "im used to it" cause none.