Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you watch Jersey Shore, Darwin cries.

   I know it's your birthday and all but the Star bucks gift card aint happening!!

   in my next relationship, I'm going to pretend I'm deaf...

   've been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I've lost is 14 days

   I am NOT playing "Hard-to-Get". I'm playing "I-Don't-Want-You"

   When I find a phone book on my porch, I know that reverse time travel is real. It is people from the past just messing with me.

   The girls who say that what all guys want is sex are usually the ones who have only that to offer

   Put your hands up for Detroit.....and beg for money!

   Sometimes I think I got away with all the drugs I've done...but then I drool mid sentence and realize...nope.

   My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass."

   To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn't easy.

   The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.

   I wish people would get upset at NFL players punching their girl friends as much as they do about not standing for the flag.

   Breaking NFL NEWS Pittsburg's NFLteam is rebranding and will now be known as "The Pittsburgh Kneelers".

   I'm writing this post from the Emergency Room, nothing to worry about. Just turns out my new Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   All conspiracy theories are based on the premise that the government is extremely clever. But most of the time the government is actually extremely stupid.

   ...... Yes sir, your background check came back just fine .... But I gotta see you eat some Bacon first or it's a no sale.

   Looking for a new spicy potato chip? -Hot Pringles in your area

   When I meet people, I choose whether I like them solely based on if I think they would be fun to get drunk with.....

   "I'm shocked Anderson Cooper came out." said no one.