Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are like snowflakes. I only like them on Christmas.

   There's a difference between antisocial and antistupid.

   I am afraid to make eye contact with women who shave their eyebrows off and draw them back on.

   When you watch Jersey Shore, Darwin cries.

   I know it's your birthday and all but the Star bucks gift card aint happening!!

   in my next relationship, I'm going to pretend I'm deaf...

   've been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I've lost is 14 days

   I am NOT playing "Hard-to-Get". I'm playing "I-Don't-Want-You"

   When I find a phone book on my porch, I know that reverse time travel is real. It is people from the past just messing with me.

   The girls who say that what all guys want is sex are usually the ones who have only that to offer

   Put your hands up for Detroit.....and beg for money!

   Sometimes I think I got away with all the drugs I've done...but then I drool mid sentence and realize...nope.

   My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass."

   Looking for a new spicy potato chip? -Hot Pringles in your area

   All conspiracy theories are based on the premise that the government is extremely clever. But most of the time the government is actually extremely stupid.

   ...... Yes sir, your background check came back just fine .... But I gotta see you eat some Bacon first or it's a no sale.

   To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn't easy.

   The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.

   I wish people would get upset at NFL players punching their girl friends as much as they do about not standing for the flag.

   Breaking NFL NEWS Pittsburg's NFLteam is rebranding and will now be known as "The Pittsburgh Kneelers".