Funny Status Messages

   This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire..

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.

   When it feels like your moral compass always points south.

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.

   The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you

   Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.

   * The older I get the earlier it gets late.

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, she owes me money.

   Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com

   Winter storm named Grayson sounds like it should be wearing a tweed jacket

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?

   I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.

   Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper