sean Funny Status Messages

   If I was a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

   Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"

   The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

   Japanese has so many characters, their alphabet soup comes in two separate cans.

   Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...

   Dear makers of Cialis, when I reach middle age and find myslef needing your product, contrary to the advice you offer about calling a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, I can assure you that I will be calling a film crew instead

   I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.

   Newt Gingrich wins Georgia. To be fair, it was a pie-eating contest.

   Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.

   I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

   Chris Brown said he might retire from music. That sure is going to leave him with a lot of time on his fists.

   It's easy to be the worst person on Facebook. Just begin your response to someone's status update with, "Actually,"

   A lot of my friends and relatives are getting married, I don't go all out on gifts anymore after my marriage, I just buy them all the same thing, a label machine- and with it a card that says in two years you will thank me…

   After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know all sales don't have to be final.

   Ugh, the most annoying family just sat next to me on this plane. I live with them and now I have to sit with them for 5 hours?

   If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.

   An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance would be AWESOME!

   Girls get so mad when you point out that their stupid friends are stupid.

   This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!