Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the protocol for when you're really angry but your favourite song comes on the radio?

   Would do anything for happiness but not like diet and exercise or staying off social media and seeking help from a professional.

   I don't think I can ever forgive the news media for reporting Angelina Jolie filing for divorce like its real news.

   Don't listen to Billy Joel's piano man. It turns out that making love to your Tonic & Gin will get you thrown out of the bar.

   I removed a "ha" from a "hahaha" in a text so I wouldn't send the wrong message about my enthusiasm.

   Surprised Kim didn't snapchat the whole Rob thing....:P

   The best thing about spotify, is that I can see who I could actually ride in a car with and not want to strangle before we ever go anywhere.

   We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.

   What's your favorite part of Fall? Leaves changing color? Crisp weather? Realizing we're all marching towards imminent death? Hot cocoa?

   Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"

   Show me a kid's reaction to the kissing part of a movie and I'll tell you what time his or her curfew should be.

   The only thing I have in common with people who go on Shark Tank is that I, too, cry anytime somebody gives me money.

   Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off– The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

   what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.

   Remember folks tax day is coming up... make sure you check nearby dumpsters and trash cans for those receipts.

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

   My dog got excited and bit my hand so I had to bite him back and pee on him to reestablish dominance... Hey, I don't make the rules.

   I'm waiting in vain for you... Oops typo I'm waiting in van for you...

   Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family