Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Surprised Kim didn't snapchat the whole Rob thing....:P

   The best thing about spotify, is that I can see who I could actually ride in a car with and not want to strangle before we ever go anywhere.

   We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.

   What's your favorite part of Fall? Leaves changing color? Crisp weather? Realizing we're all marching towards imminent death? Hot cocoa?

   Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"

   Show me a kid's reaction to the kissing part of a movie and I'll tell you what time his or her curfew should be.

   The only thing I have in common with people who go on Shark Tank is that I, too, cry anytime somebody gives me money.

   My MIL would invite her self to have dinner with my husband and me. Tired of this, one time after dinner I put the dishies on the floor and let the dog lick them clean in front of her. Then put them back into the cabinet. We now have MIL free dinners.

   I can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp. That is why I'm taking no chance and bringing my ID to the grocery store with me.

   If you see me drinking "coffee" from a insulated tumbler in public, then you don't know me very well.

   The sooner you give up on me, the easier this will be for both of us.

   Staying alone is cool and all but the only problem is that it's always your turn to do the dishes.

   It seems only yesterday, my dear old mum telling me to wash my food before eating it! A lovely woman, but terrible sandwiches!

   Want to meet eligible singles in your area? Then mill around the Valentine candy clearance aisle.

   Wish every project I start was as easily finished as in the how to videos.

   The number of hobbies a man has is directly proportionate to how cray his wife is...

   Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time. Can someone please explain why we let THAT happen?

   Some people are as useless as an audiobook on sign language

   On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

   I'm no longer afraid to say that I loved Milli Vanilli's songs!.....or whoever it was that perform their songs.