Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gettin' real tired of wearing pants and having responsibilities.

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.

   Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

   Watched Ant-Man today. Now I'm hoping the roach I flushed down the toilet wasn't on some kind of secret mission.

   It's reassuring knowing my brother is looking down on me, but if he stopped wearing heels I'd be an inch taller than him.

   If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher

   It's okay password, I'm insecure too...

   Don't you hate when you're in bed cuddling yourself and then your hand starts getting frisky when you're not in the mood?

   The saying "More than one way to skin a cat" Probably came from a Chinese food restaurant owner

   From what I can tell, there’s nothing in the city ordinances that prevents me from installing a fence that spells out BITE ME at my neighbor.

   90's road comics can now breathe a sigh of relief that their Clinton jokes are relevant again.

   Bought a crock pot today and suddenly realized I might not be the life of the party I thought I was.

   Just got kicked out of Starbucks for not carrying a Macbook.

   Some call it 'Hump Day.' I call it 'False Advertising.'

   me: "I WISH I NEVER HAD TO SEE ANOTHER FACEBOOK POST ABOUT THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!!"......... election: WATCH THIS

   I watched the Olympics last night....I first watched competitive house remodeling, then Cooking with the nuwave oven, and finally finished the evening off with what I thought was going to be open water shark vacuuming....Olympics have sure changed...

   Welcome to parenting.... Hope you like ketchup.

   Nothing knocks the ego down a notch like buying beer and seeing the words "age visually verified" on the receipt.

   My 5 year old is trying to sell my own M&M's back to me. This guy's going places.

   The night before the 1st day of school is just like Christmas Eve for parents