Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

   Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

   Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there

   My anger management class can kick your anger management class’s ass.

   on a dating site and asked if could add the girl to facebook... her response "dont think we are quite there yet" its official facebook is the new 1st base!

   Going to Mickey D's in the morning. I am pleased to know that my food is already cooked, and will sit under heat lamps until I get there. Yum.....

   Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.

   I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.

   Sometimes I think if it weren't for the free coffee I would never go to work.

   Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?

   There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.

   aside from your face, what is your problem? :D

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   I feel accomplished when I can identify the show or movie that people are watching in their little car televisions.

   I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff.

   is reading his friends' drunken late night what's on their mind posts. Common themes seem to be trying to get laid, "drama" and having "one more" drink.

   Today's word of advice: Never take a muscle relaxer if you've got the trots.

   So Noah from the Bulls looks grungy, apperently basketball is so easy a caveman can do it.

   waiting for you to say something intelligent .

   In the chemistry lab, proving that ugliness is more than skin deep...