Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Make the little things count. Teach midgets math

   Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.

   If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.

   F-book has gone from a social media platform, to an entity bent on 'protecting' people from the truth.

   I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.

   got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

   When I order something online I always put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch." in the "Delivery Notes" box.

   Dr: You'll be at peace soon. Me: Am I dying? Dr: No, your wife is...

   I put on my pants the same as everyone else. Reluctantly.

   When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".

   I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

   Remember that chubby kid that couldn't play sports and was picked on by the kids who were good at it? Ask him how he feels about the entire world of sports imploding.

   Y'all thought the summer was wild wait til everybody walking around with a hoodie and mask 😅 and it's dark at 5pm

   In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

   My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage. Breakfast is weird at my house.

   When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice

   I know this isn't the time for this y'all. But Capitol and Capital are two different words

   Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

   My girlfriend has weekly lessons with the Devil.. I have no idea what she is teaching him