Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if your password is your name, you deserve to be hacked

   sex a benefit of a relationship or is a relationship a benefit of sex?

   Beer, you and me. In the kitchen. Now.

   A man walks into a library and says, "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology".

   Actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and you have to consider that in this economy.

   it just me or does Pink's new hair do make her look like Mo Howard?

   Oh. so we have to be all cryptic and call them "magic" brownies but we can come right out and say pot pie?

   I miss the days when makeup wasn't meant to be noticed

   Dave's girlfriend left him today. She said it was because Dave wouldn't stop talking in the third person.

   I guess more people saw the movie Casino than I thought. I always get strange looks when I recommend moving meetings to cornfields.

   When measuring your pen!s, you start from your prostate, right?

   The moment I hear the word "inches" in any discussion, I'm already preparing myself for a mental manhood measuring contest. 4 inches of rain? No problem. 22 inch bass? You win.

   Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

   I love how you can make ANYTHING you say sound dirty, just by adding one of those "Air Quotation" gestures.

   you never really realise how sexy a nerd, dork or tomboy can be until you see them in a Halloween Costume.."

   marriage is a natural defense mechanism designed to help us overcome our fear of death.

   One of the most dangerous weapons in our time.....Social Networking. And we're all trigger happy.

   Wait, so the 3 day rule applies to calling a girl, and the 5 second rule applies to dropped food? It all makes sense now

   My wife and I always get into arguments, and I always get the last word.. "Yes Dear!!"

   I plan on using a treasure map as my will