Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   looking for some good end-of-the-world bargains today and tomorrow

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute

   Had breakfast at Waffle House, as I was leaving the waitress said "Have a waffly day". Now I'm thinking great, a whole day of indecision.

   I speak 3 languages ENGLISH, SARCASM, & SEXUAL INNUENDOS

   Ignorance is bliss, would explain why I'm so miserable.

   Ever since watching Extreme Couponing I hate grocery shopping even more!!!!

   if your password is your name, you deserve to be hacked

   sex a benefit of a relationship or is a relationship a benefit of sex?

   Beer, you and me. In the kitchen. Now.

   A man walks into a library and says, "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology".

   Actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and you have to consider that in this economy.

   it just me or does Pink's new hair do make her look like Mo Howard?

   Oh. so we have to be all cryptic and call them "magic" brownies but we can come right out and say pot pie?

   I miss the days when makeup wasn't meant to be noticed

   Dave's girlfriend left him today. She said it was because Dave wouldn't stop talking in the third person.

   I guess more people saw the movie Casino than I thought. I always get strange looks when I recommend moving meetings to cornfields.

   When measuring your pen!s, you start from your prostate, right?

   The moment I hear the word "inches" in any discussion, I'm already preparing myself for a mental manhood measuring contest. 4 inches of rain? No problem. 22 inch bass? You win.

   Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

   I love how you can make ANYTHING you say sound dirty, just by adding one of those "Air Quotation" gestures.