Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

   Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

   I'm waiting for them to dump Col. Sanders. Last thing we need right is a fried chicken pitchman who looks like a southern plantation owner.

   My great-grandfather fought in World War I and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. You might say he was a seasoned veteran.

   Gold Star Chili ~ The only place where you can ask for a 3 way and not get charged with sexual-harassment.

   That one sounded like a un-oiled door opening slowly.

   Never tie your shoelaces in Paris.

   Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.

   I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.

   Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.

   I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.

   Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.

   A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."

   Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.

   Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   I'm allergic to gluten free diets.