Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Lion King is the best way that people from Michigan can see a group of Lions come together and win

   I'm waiting for them to dump Col. Sanders. Last thing we need right is a fried chicken pitchman who looks like a southern plantation owner.

   I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.

   Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.

   One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

   Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

   The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.

   I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.

   Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.

   A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."

   The left’s attempts to silence ideas they cannot, or will not debate, is a confession of intellectual bankruptcy.

   Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.

   Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   I'm allergic to gluten free diets.

   Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond.....also make a waffle.

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps