Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook partly responsible for flat wide asses across the globe

   I wish I had one of those Looney Toon Hammers to snooze my freaking alarm clock... Shut The F!#$ Up!!!

   P.S. don't forget to take that stick outta ur ass! ;)

   Someday we'll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.

   Making up fake resumes for my coworkers and submitting them for sh!tty jobs.

   treat everyone as you would like to be treated... except in bed, "that" could be illegal in some countries or religions!

   "just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. "

   Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

   loves long walks...especially when taken by people who annoy me.

   As a man, it scares the hell out of me that North Korea has a missile called the "no dong."

   Books, like friends, should be few, and well chosen.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   Thinking they need to make pro football and basketball coaches wear uniforms like baseball coaches do.

   I don't have a dog, I eat my own homework.

   What a good morning!* *Facebook status update may or may not contain BS.

   i hear hell is hot this time of year..

   This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it's an educated one.

   BP announced today that the oil in the Gulf needs to be changed every six months

   Six different television shows about cake and not a single one about milk. I sense opportunity!

   "I've just about had it with you using up all my patience!"