Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by it's root and still be scared of spiders. --Jerry Seinfeld

   Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall, "You peaked in high school."

   People need to stop demanding respect and start earning respect.

   F*ck the zombie apocalypse, it's never going to happen. Worry about the f*cktard apocalypse, it's already upon us.

   There should be one day out of the year where people working retail can say what they want without getting into trouble.

   I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.

   Back in the day, there wasn't so many warning labels on things. People weren't so freaking stupid.

   My new wife earned a thunderous round of applause at the reception when she described her wedding vows as "taking one for the team"

   Whenever I see someone walking around with a selfie stick, I always wonder what happened for them to just give up on life like that.

   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

   Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

   I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

   "Did you see that Bruce-" It's Caitlyn now. "*sigh* -that Caitlyn Springsteen is playing at the arena?"

   Sarcasm: noun/ The brain's natural defense against Dumb.

   Just a heads up...it is World Naked Gardening Day on May 7th. Rest assured, I will not be participating.

   Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like I love you so much I'm gonna get the Government involved so you can't leave....

   I'll probably come off as mean when you first meet me, but after you really get to know me you'll find out that I'm actually meaner...

   Smart dogs sit near the toddler at meal time.

   Amazon Prime will deliver food right to my door? GTFO. I may never have to see people again!

   Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.