Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What can I say about Kanye West that he already hasn't said himself?

   i'll make better mistakes tomorrow

   I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.

   "For birthdays, someone will blow air and spit on candles and a cake. Then—hear me out—people will eat it." -- the guy that invented birthday parties

   Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.

   They say money doesn't being you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....

   Shoutout to ATM fees for making me buy my own money

   What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by it's root and still be scared of spiders. --Jerry Seinfeld

   Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall, "You peaked in high school."

   People need to stop demanding respect and start earning respect.

   F*ck the zombie apocalypse, it's never going to happen. Worry about the f*cktard apocalypse, it's already upon us.

   There should be one day out of the year where people working retail can say what they want without getting into trouble.

   I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.

   Back in the day, there wasn't so many warning labels on things. People weren't so freaking stupid.

   My new wife earned a thunderous round of applause at the reception when she described her wedding vows as "taking one for the team"

   Whenever I see someone walking around with a selfie stick, I always wonder what happened for them to just give up on life like that.

   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

   Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

   I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

   "Did you see that Bruce-" It's Caitlyn now. "*sigh* -that Caitlyn Springsteen is playing at the arena?"