Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My relationships are much like pro wrestling matches - the outcomes are predetermined and there's a good chance I'll get hit with a chair.

   How come they never sing happy birthday in the delivery room

   Canadians have their own Alcoholic program..........Eh Eh

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   I like the way your medication thinks.

   Saw a guy wearing shorts with suspenders and black socks with sandals and realized I'll never be that confident.

   Surgeon General warns taking a shot for every lie told in tonight's debate will result in acute alcohol poisoning.

   there is a room in hell where they play an endless loop of every time you told someone you loved them and they didn't say it back

   I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.

   Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!

   Weird how 2X and 4X power dishwasher pods are the same price, like there's a market for people who only want minimal dishwashing power.

   Funny how the NBA players and coaches are quick to criticize the Prez but won't say anything negative about a Communist country that imprisons those who speak out...

   Last night, I watched a documentary on marijuana. Let me say this... if you're gonna watch a documentary, that's the best way to do it.

   I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.

   I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.

   FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow

   I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time...

   Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   Dude just told me that he's washing his hands more because of that "Coca-Cola virus."

   25 days on lock down and I feel lazier than the guy who created the Japanese flag