Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to the neighbor's cat and watch it run around the neighborhood like a little stegosaurus.

   If you're going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.

   I've noticed that the most attractive women always drive those cute little cars! Which reminds me...the mother-in-law's Panzer needs an oil change!!

   The thing about glitter is that once you get it on you, you can never completely wash it off. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.

   The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on

   I was feeling tough and manly until I realized the spider was on the inside of the window.

   It’s one of those days where I just have so many questions like, How does Darth Vader poop?

   First rule of Fight Club: Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian Embassy!

   My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.

   Yeah tell me again that life is too short when you are on that 8-hr drive in a car full of kids at Thanksgiving

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs in my truck. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   I think Wal-Mart should start a new Express Checkout lane for shoppers with more than 12 teeth

   My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   I think I lost an hour reading all the tweets about how people lost an hour this weekend

   Somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for fudge brownies

   I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.

   OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.