Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If ur gonna play the role of victim, make sure you include how you got the part...

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard ;)

   Relationships these days are like birthdays; once the cake is eaten, the party's over!

   At this point, people still invite me to things bc they want to see how creative my excuse will be for not going.

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective

   i like that you try to compete with me. At least you have a goal...unrealistic and unatainable, but at least its a goal!

   yeah I was a vegetarian once before......for like 5 hours...til my next meal...

   I really wish my eyes could take photos.

   To be honest with you I start all my lies with to be honest with you.

   There’s a mathematical formula for understanding women. I forgot the specifics, but at the end you divide by zero.

   My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another

   If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything

   Sugar Babies --- College girls hooking up with older men to pay their tuition.

   My teleporter’s broken, I've lost my superpowers, and my sidekick is out of town. Only one last hope for humanity: Must... get.... the... cork... out... of... this... wine.... bottle.....

   presently poking others but your poke is important to her. Please stay online and your pokes will be returned in the order they were received. Approximate wait time is five minutes.

   My browser just told me it blocked a pop up and I gave it a cookie.

   I find it odd that people say they are poor yet all family members have smart phones,laptops, hundreds channels on TV. Game consoles..

   When asked which method of payment will be used, I always put "in collections".. that way they can just skip the middle man.

   It's disappointing that even in this golden age of gender equality the number of female kidnappers remains appallingly low.

   I'm going to decorate a valentines box and take it to work tomorrow. I'm not going to answer anyone's questions until they give me a valentine...