Funny Status Messages
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The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway. 
With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.
Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?
In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
"This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo
My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.
Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.
As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40
Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.
I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.
Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.
Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?
Just once, I'd like to see a judge
take the verdict slip from the jury,
look at it, and then turn and say,
"ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"
I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic. The proceeding random thought was for all my musician friends........
"I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there
Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.
A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place. 