Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spongebob is no longer living in his pineapple under the sea. He's kicking it in my tub. It's gonna take a while to get the oil off he says.

   stayed up half the night waiting for this special lunar eclipse everyone was all excited about...only to find out it was some silly movie. Now I'm tired too...

   if Paul the octopus was so smart, he wouldn't have been captured in the first place.

   So many input boxes. Ever go to search for a girl on facebook and set her name as your status instead? Me either."

   The good thing about being 6' 1" is that no one will see my bald patch... Unless you're using Google Earth...

   On our 1st date she wanted to take me to a strip club, but I wasn't ready to meet her mother.

   found $20 under my bed ! my God, my room is so desperate to be cleaned, it's paying me. THE PLAN WORKED

   My wife said I was gaining weight....I said " Duhhhh ! " ..... I used to be 8lbs, 6 ozs

   god I was so late for work today that I was almost early for my next shift

   A cooking show said you can batter food in left-over beer. What is left-over beer

   What wine goes best with Cheerios..?

   I bet when cab drivers ask Prince where he wants to go he closes his eyes and whispers "1999."

   I have no tattoos, no piercings. I'm just a big, blank canvas of crazy.

   When people tell you things "as your friend", that means they hate you and want to destroy you.

   Come on down! You're the next contestant on STFU!

   I love sleep, because my life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake.

   I bought my girlfriend a 10lb bag of future diamonds for Christmas...Thank you Kingsford!

   Apparently I am attracted to women who have big jugs. Of pepper spray.

   God created man in his own image. (minus all the cool powers)

   I thought I'd join the neighbor hood watch but my neighbors aren't that attractive..