Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Batteries die in TV remote for first time in 6 years* "Useless piece of crap"

   In sign language, the entire story of my life can be told with a series of face palms.

   This dualing piano bar would be more enjoyable if I actually got to watch 2 pianists fight to the death like I had orignally anticipated.

   I'll trust a fart after a heavy night of drinking before I'll trust a politician.

   Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

   At what age do you stop shopping at Costco because you won't use the entire pack before you die?

   My whole family graduated from "Drama" school..

   I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.

   I got lost in your eyes...but I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it

   The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

   after picking up and bringing home literally hundreds of women at bars over the years, I can tell you this: I'll never drive a cab again."

   Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.

   just got a letter from The Man in Red "You have been placed on the naughty list....permanently" I can't say this was unexpected.

   Had a weird dream last night where people actually wanted to hear about other people's dreams.

   says "The key to my heart are attached to that knife sticking out of my back."

   Big... Powerful... Makes the ladies scream... Lasts for an hour. No wonder women love Oprah so much.

   wishes the world was her own personal globe, one good spin and "certain people" would fall off!!!

   •You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

   My coworkers are exceptionally dedicated. You should see how far they'll go to annoy me

   Can you call the Geek Squad if you just want to give someone a wedgie?