Funny Status Messages

   I just watched some of the highlights from this years Oscars and I am bit baffled as to why the winners receive an action figure of C-3PO from Star Wars?

   Call me delta airlines, cause I cant handle your extra baggage

   Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.

   80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.

   my alarm clock is covered in fur, has 4 legs, a wet tongue-and NO snooze button! :b

   My heart goes out to all those Frustrated people who are Stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...

   Out of all the lies I've ever told, "Just kidding" is my favourite.

   Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have.

   Mike's Hard Lemonade is basically Kool-Aid with a squirt of Purell in it.

   How come Italian's don't like Jehovah witnesses?They don't like any witnesses.

   Just stole Santas naughty girl list! Amazingly its almost identical to my friends list.

   Santa wants to know if you have been naughty or nice this year... And if you were naughty, did you video it???

   If you had a real childhood then you'll remember Crash Bandicoot.

   If you're a midget, and you don't dress up as a leprechaun and hand out chocolate gold coins for Halloween, then you're just being selfish!!

   ┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ Cause this is Thriiiiiiilleeeeeeer

   Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome............................. Take your time,,, I'll wait

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don't you eat all the food?

   Well, time to get dressed and go Christmas shopping. What time does Walgreens close?

   All clowns are serial killers. It's a fact.

   Can God start making Vegetarians green in color so they don’t have to keep telling everyone they eat plants.